Wildflower Page 17

  After a few weeks of wandering around, I got proactive and called the UN again—“I’d like to go back, please”—and a few months later I was flying on a return trip. I walked through the airport and saw my greeter. Instead of being shy, I walked right up to Ben and said, “Did ya miss me?” because we didn’t need to discuss the fact that I had taken his silent bet and I was back. And this time for a few weeks!

  “Let’s do this” was my feeling this time, and we went straight into a refugee camp. And as much as I was nervous, I felt like the training wheels were off. There was no one sponsoring this trip, and it was time to go even deeper into the world I had come to care about so much.

  The refugee camp was huge. Our bunks were in a fenced-in secured makeshift UN compound, with tiny concrete structures, about ten by ten feet, that each had a single cot and a small wooden table and lamp. That’s it, and yet it was very hospitable. Again, in comparison to what other people are living like, it is a great luxury. And you are well aware of every gift you get. We were given dinner, Ethiopian food and a beer. Tusker beer. And we drank one under a tree that had falling bugs. They would cascade right down on your head. The bugs were so large that you would get up out of your folding chair and run at least ten feet, and everyone would laugh at you for getting so scared. But these bugs were the size of small bats, and I couldn’t help but flip out, even though they said they were harmless.

  I will never forget that night. It was a moment to decompress and yet be accosted by giant raining insects.

  The next day we got our start. I was on a tour of schools again, as I wanted to refine my dedication. Schools specifically are what I was passionate about, and they were a contained target. I felt like I could be effective there. It was ironic that I didn’t have school as my main priority in my own life, and was so moved by how these kids fought to be here. I would go to different ones and find out what they really needed. What they were lacking. And what it was that was making them thrive.

  Some kids had to walk too far, and that made it dangerous or difficult. Villages that didn’t have water were a major issue. Schools that had a boarding aspect were more desirable in more desolate parts, and yet in the dense, overcrowded cities the problem was sanitation.

  Again, it can get very overwhelming very quickly, but I went around for three weeks really studying what needed to be done. The World Food Program introduced me to an Olympic athlete, Paul Tergat, who was a product of the school feeding program. It was because of the food he was able to train and have the energy to run, and because of the education, he understood what it was going to take to get himself to a place where he could have opportunity. He took me to his original school, and he and I planted a tree there. It was a very happy school with a little bit of land, and the kids were so vibrant and fun. We went to his old house nearby and I met his family.

  It was amazing to now be working with someone who was proof of what was possible, and he had important things to say about how it all functions. We moved on to several areas of Kenya. And I fell in love with the village of Kiltamany. I could see that building a borehole here would transform the entire place, and bring water where people had to walk at least five miles a day to fill up a small pitcher. And there was a school, and lots of kids, and it seemed like a wonderful place to build upon. The people were so kind and informative. There was a community. And it affected me and made a lasting impression.

  When I was leaving this time, I spoke very seriously to Ben and Lionello about what we could do first. How much it would cost, and what were the priorities. First, it was money to sustain schools in the areas for a year. Then it was helping build these advanced boreholes, which brought water to places in need. Then it was consideration of building my own school and, if so, where.

  Again, I had been to so many places at this point—where did I feel a connection to laying down a foundation that could be sustained and monitored? It was a lot to process and I didn’t want to just give money and not see where it went, but I also understood that so much money was needed. How could I be most effective?

  And when I went back to America, I went to the UN in New York and got my full ambassadorship. I worked with a woman named Bettina, and she and I planned out ways to bring awareness to the program. I got a UN passport, and it was the greatest day. I felt so proud and excited to be part of a place with such meaning and effectiveness. And so I went out touring places on the World Food Program’s behalf and tried to get the message out. I wanted to fulfill my position by trying to not just donate my own money but also to get others involved. But I liked my groundwork the most. When I was actually there, and no one knew where I was, that’s when I really thrived. I decided to build my school, and I picked Isiolo as the location. I started getting plans and blueprints. I was so excited I couldn’t stand it. Things were actually happening and I felt so grateful.

  About two years later, when I started dating my husband, Will, who was just my boyfriend at the time, I got a call that the school was ready to be visited. It wasn’t fully up and running, but it was ready to make the decisions to finalize it. I had never taken anyone with me on these trips. They were very solo for me and I had yet to share any aspect of this with anyone. But I took a risk and asked Will if he would like to go with me and see it. He said an absolute yes, and off we went, back to Africa. This time I had something to show, and I was very excited to bring him into my world there.

  After many days and hours of travel, we went to the site of the school. There were already children there. I played with all the kids and we served lunch. They walked me over to a little painted sign that said “The Barrymore Learning Academy” in hand-painted letters, and the whole thing seemed so real and brought so much joy at that moment I could have burst.

  Just then, Will took out his camera and took a picture of me with the kids under the sign. Click. And I knew right then and there that my fears and apprehensions about my energy and how kids perceived it was officially over. Through my learning what they needed, I felt healed of something that had always been painful. A kid who didn’t know how to relate to kids. But not anymore. I could love freely. My heart was as open as it had ever been in my whole life.

  Before we left, I made my way to see Edith. She had grown so beautifully. She was taller and healthy. I ran right into her arms and introduced her to Will. We had all met at a park, and her caretaker who was funded by the trust brought her. I spent the afternoon putting my fingers through hers and holding hands with her. I was so happy to be back with her. I was so happy to see how happy she was. And yet there was still that calm in her. But her smile was exactly the same. I am so glad she chose me in this world. I feel lucky. And I can only hope to continue the favor. And this time when we said good-bye I wasn’t a total wreck because I knew she would be OK. We hugged for ten minutes straight.

  When I went home after this trip, something had shifted inside of me. I thought about getting ready to have my own children. It was time to start learning and investing in what it would mean to become a loving mother. And I knew I was ready. This decade changed me. If I hadn’t read that article that day in the diner, my whole life might be different. Or are we set on paths we must go on, and there are little bread crumbs out there to lure us in? I don’t know, but I now know a lot more than I did.

  And these are the lessons and values I will instill in my girls. They will have to find what it is that’s important for them, but I am glad that our house will be so encouraging of that. Every Mother’s Day now, I make a Hallmark card for the girls to tell them what I did in their honor. I make donations, or I go and drop off gifts, or we do a volunteer day. It’s always for children-related charities. That is what speaks to me. It’s what moves me. And until my kids are old enough to figure out what their cause is, I will do it for them, so they get a jump-start on all of it.

  It is crucial in my life to do this. I hope I can inspire them. I will do my best. And this is where I put my faith
in the rule that kids follow by example. They won’t learn a lot from my silly dances. But hopefully I can be of help to push them toward thinking outside of themselves. Africa was my wake-up call. And I am so glad the UN actually took my call.

  Arie and Coco

  IN-LAW JACKPOT

  I walked into the apartment on the Upper East Side for the first time during spring. Will and I had been dating only a few months. It was my maiden voyage into his parents’ place, which he lived in as a child. I went from room to room, taking it all in. The art on the walls. Family pictures everywhere, in frames and on the wall. There was a room full of books. A cozy and beautifully appointed kitchen. But I was smitten with the old-school cordless phone from the ’80s that remained.

  There was undeniable warmth. And all these photographs I kept studying told a story of this close-knit family. One had Will at college with his parents the night of a school play. He and his sister, Jill, in a field of flowers as children. Will as a baby asleep on the beach. Grandparents on their honeymoon. I took them all in, piecing them together like a puzzle to understand my boyfriend’s life. Not only was it different from my own—sure, we both had a set of fancy grandparents—but this whole life of “togetherness captured” was something unfamiliar and frankly intimidating.

  I felt my West Hollywood urchin start to kick in. My inner voice, “you don’t belong here,” and what made it the hardest was attempting to look at his parents. Arie and Coco Kopelman had been married for thirty-nine years with two children, William and Jill, and they had a wonderful life. Good schools for every generation. Great amounts of world travel. Arie was once a “mad men” advertiser and had worked at DDB, one of the biggest agencies in the ’60s. He was truly smart and creative, but he had an incredible business sense.

  So one day one of his accounts, Chanel, whom he had worked with in advertising for fifteen years, called and said, we want you to come run our company and become president here. They are a family-owned French company and they also joked, where else are they going to find a man with a wife named Coco! It was too perfect. He worked there for twenty years, has since retired, but remains on the board.

  Arie had met Coco when she was in college. She was a French girl living in Manhattan, going to Parsons School of Design, and had aced her baccalaureate tests, as she was incredibly intelligent. Smart, stylish, and twenty years old, Coco Franco met Arie Kopelman, and on their first date he took her to the ‘21’ Club in the city. Things went so well that three months later, on her twenty-first birthday, he took her back to the ‘21’ Club and proposed. (Twenty-one is Arie’s favorite number.)

  So this was what I knew. This is as much as I had learned when Will said his parents wanted to go to dinner and meet me. I had suggested the ‘21’ Club as a fun idea, and they liked it. But I was freaking out inside. Would they like me? Would they be skeptical? Were they cold people even though their apartment would suggest otherwise? Would they look at me and have that “prove it” attitude toward me? I was dating their son, after all.

  Somehow this felt like the biggest audition of my life. Although Will and I had been dating only a few months, the girl in me felt the need to become a woman with him. I knew this was different. I had been a “this is who I am” person. All my life I had dug in my heels with men, and all of a sudden I was not fighting for the same things anymore. I could see a life with this man. It was new, but the stakes felt high.

  And so I made my way around the corner from the hallway and heard their voices. Will was clearly hugging his mom, and I heard Arie’s voice asking a question of some kind. All I know is I was looking down at the ground. My heart was pounding. Most people don’t like the parents of their partner. This is a fact. There are movies about it, movies called things like The In-Laws, and those movies are about the trials of the family meeting the new girlfriend and then it all goes crazy.

  I took a deep breath. My gaze finally started to rise, and before I could look at their faces, Coco was extending herself and giving me a hug. I saw Arie over her shoulder with a big warm smile. I started to relax my tense body, and turn into a grateful girl who didn’t feel judged all of a sudden. Maybe I had judged myself? I was worried about a possible preconception of the “actress girl” Will was bringing home, and that intimidation started to fall away and being my own person kicked in, and I was able to just be myself, which is always the best way to be. But it truly helps when people disarm you. Especially by taking you in their arms.

  Off we went for a great double date at the famous ‘21’ Club. The dining room had old model planes hanging from the ceiling and beer steins all around the bar. The space had character and warmth to accompany the tone of the evening. Coco ordered steak Diane, and Arie ordered martinis.

  We spoke about our lives and got to know each other. Coco is sophisticated and insanely smart. Sunday–New York Times–crossword, graduate-early, speak-several-languages, and know-everything-that-is-happening-on-the-globe smart. Did I mention how amazing her style is? She was also going to be a ballerina, so she truly has grace and poise, but the best part is she laughs hard at a joke. She likes people being who they truly are, and the whole family has an incredible sense of humor.

  Arie and I bonded on our love of hearts. I told him I was making a book about them. He collects old Americana art, and a big part of his collection is all things hearts. He also cares about history and preservation. And wouldn’t you know it, he is on the board of a whaling museum and I had just done a film about whales and had read thousands of pages on them while stuck up in Alaska by myself for months on end and was so excited to share it with someone. Not everyone wants to talk about the intricacies of whales. But we did.

  It was an absolute dream of an evening, and that night I truly fell in love—not just with Will but with his parents too. Affectionate, worldly, humorous, they were everything you could dream of. The strong stability and abundant love of their family unit helped utterly clarify what I was feeling inside that felt a little unknown.

  I was thinking about family as well. I wasn’t a girl who fancied a boy. I was asking myself the big question of “how will this all function?” and a lot of that is the choices you make. The one thing I swore that I would take seriously was a child. Serious as a heart attack. It was the one thing I would not screw up. I knew I would not even have children ultimately if there was any doubt.

  I came from the blueprint of what not to do, and I wouldn’t even consider having children until I had the tangible antidote to my experience.

  After an old-fashioned meeting of the parents, Will and I took off. We traveled the world for a whole year. The old “how will this function?” question is answered very well with travel. Nancy always says love should be like The Amazing Race. She asks, Do you want to be the couple that works as a team or the ones who don’t function together? It’s true. I used to be late to everything and pack last minute and make going to the airport a nail-biter, and Will finally said, no more. He told me that it gave him too much anxiety.

  And so, for the first time, instead of saying my classic “this is who I am,” I thought about what that would sound like. “No, I like being a mess who gives everyone an ulcer on travel day, only to potentially miss the flight and ruin the trip.” Yeah, that wasn’t worth fighting for, so I said OK and started packing the night before.

  We went everywhere from Austin to Africa. Hawaii was my favorite trip. We rented a house and cooked and hiked. And for the first time in my life I slept peacefully. We would make trips to New York to hang out with his family. I met Jill, his sister, and her three kids, Sadie, Ivy, and Fletcher—each kid completely different but all awesome. They are fearless, and Jill promotes their autonomy like no one else.

  Jill was like a revelation. When I met her, I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears. If Morticia Addams got blended with Oscar Wilde with a dash of Lucille Ball, then that would half describe Jill. She is brassy, bold, and inte
lligent. She is the woman at the table having everyone wide-eyed but laughing hysterically at the things she has the nerve to say. And you love it. But she is also incredibly thoughtful, always has her thank-you cards in ahead of time, and is the person you want to hang out with at the end of the day. Again, I fell in love.

  Will and Jill were planning Arie and Coco’s fortieth anniversary surprise party in Idaho, where the family has gone every Christmas since Arie and Coco met. This was the big one, and on December 26, the evening took place, and I was just watching in awe. In this intimate room of about forty people who have all known this family since the beginning, Will and Jill read a poem they wrote for their parents out loud that was the greatest and funniest thing you have ever heard.

  And in this warm little room, with close friends and family, the snow fell outside. And as we drove home I got a funny feeling. When we were inside, I brought out the candle for the night, as I had brought a travel menorah. It was the seventh night of Chanukah, and to honor Will, who is Jewish, I wanted to provide a way to celebrate his religion. We lit the candle and said thank-yous for this incredible night.

  We were as warm in our hearts as the candle we held, and I felt almost dizzy with the amount of love and goodness I had just witnessed. Will said he would be right back, and I didn’t watch what he was doing. I just stared at the burning flames. Just then I felt a total rush. I turned around as Will was on his knee, with a ring box.

  Oh my God. I have no idea what we both said in that moment, but all I do know is that we had both fought to get here. And although our paths looked clearly different, somehow we had found our way to this love. And we knew that we wanted to build on that love. And so I said yes, and three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.